Pregnancy, Menopause and Periods...

I have so much to catch up on that the idea of one comprehensive post is out the window. So I think I will take a page from Heidi's book and spew a little blog vomit. Here it goes...

My oncologist said that during my chemo treatments I would feel like I was going through menopause with all of its glorious side effects. I wasn't too concerned and I was actually a little excited to not have to deal with periods either for the next 6 months. However, aside from the hot flashes that have me reaching for my thermometer every hour, I feel more pregnant than anything else. Queasy, body aches, sore boobs (o.k. That's not from the chemo, but still.), waking up during the night to pee, ultra sensitive skin, gas pains, and cramps, just to name a few prego symptoms that I've been experiencing. So why the heck am I still having periods if I feel pregnant and I'm in some temporarily induced state of menopause?!!! Can't a girl catch a break?

I shaved my head yesterday. Well, Alan did. I decided I was much more afraid of my hair actually falling out than being bald so I thought I would just beat chemo to the punch. I was hoping I would feel empowered by it, but really I just feel butch. I look in the mirror and I see a red headed boy with a buzz looking back. I look like a bully. So I am compensating by wearing way too much make up (even though I hardly left my bed at all today) and dropping hints to Alan that for Christmas I want necklaces, earrings, perfume, and anything else that screams feminine. It reminds me of the time my dad shaved my head and my brother couldn't walk by me without rubbing my head with both hands and saying "I wish I had a watermelon, I wish I had a watermelon."

I've decided that this round of treatment will be much better than the last time. They told me it would be worse, but nothing can be worse than the unknown and the debilitating fear it caused me last time. I think sicker is fine as long as I know what I'm up against. So it's mind over matter this time and I think its working out for me. I still feel pretty nasty, but not being terrified certainly makes everything more doable. For that I am extremely grateful.

My right shoulder twitches about once every 45 seconds. Kind of like a mini shrug. Freaky side effect or precursor to turrets?

Oh. A little p.s. to the shaving my head thing. I am relieved that there were no unexpected bumps, ridges, or divots to report. And my hair isn't actually falling out yet, but if I pull on it it comes out in a clump, roots and all. (If hair that is only a 1/4 of an inch long can come out in clumps.) Note to self... stop pulling on hair.

I am also completely HGTV'd and Food Networked out. And I just re-read the Twilight series.

Apparently the steroids are still doing their thing because it's 1:37 am and I know I won't be able to sleep yet. That is a funny thing though. Now that I have such a hard time sleeping, I have developed a fondness for the sound of Alan's snoring. (Save your comment about how you don't snore for people that will believe you, Homes.) It makes me happy that I'm not keeping him up at night with all my restlessness. I really do like the sound of it now. It's peaceful.

It's a beautiful day and it's great to be alive...

I slept last night. I woke up this morning. I wasn't nauseous. I helped my kids get ready. I even ate a little bit of breakfast. That is a good morning.

This first round of treatment went much better than I had expected. Not that it was a cake walk, just that I had imagined myself taking up a semi-permanent residence next to my toilet, looking and feeling like death warmed over. Really my main complaints were general yuckiness and nausea (never barfed) and my body was pretty sore. The last couple days I've spent more of the night in my bathtub than in the my bed, but I slept pretty soundly last night. (There are steroids in the chemo combo that can make you feel pretty restless. Which is pretty sad when you feel sick and all you want to do is rest!) Luckily, I am surrounded by amazing people who make being sick seem like a vacation instead of a punishment.

In all my long hours in the bath the last couple of nights, I have put together some thoughts on things that might not be too bad in my current situation. Here they are.

• We're going to save a lot of money on shampoo and hair products.
• I've already lost 20 lbs. Not directly from the cancer, but there is nothing like disease staring you in the face to keep you motivated to be healthier.
• I don't even own a bra anymore.
• Pretty soon I won't need to shave my legs.
• Alan has started doing the laundry.
• There is a DVD player in our bedroom now. (However our entertainment center is the ironing board.)
• I can start a super cool hat collection.

OK, so I thought I had more. Anyway, as you can see there are good times ahead.

I did it!

I can't believe I actually did it. I can't believe that I did it with out the secret oncology police needing to bind me and throw me in the back of the paddy wagon to take me in. I did it. (Albeit not without quite a few tears.) My first chemo treatment went pretty well. I should mention that I was armed with every bit of friendship 'armour' that I could think of. I wore Rachel's bracelet, Tori's shirt, books and magazines from lots of different friends and brought all of the loving cards and notes that people have given me so I would feel loved and encouraged all over again. I even debated whether or not I would look like an idiot if I brought the teddy bear Caroline sent. I decided I would and left it at home. (It's huge.) Now that I'm thinking about it, I probably looked like an idiot even without the bear! I brought enough stuff with me! Polly took the kids for us (We love you, Polly! They had so much fun at the nature preserve and they love Opie/Ruby!) and Alan took the day off to be with me. After I got hooked up and under way he skipped out for a second and brought back lunch. We snuggled up on the single bed, ate McCalisters giant baked potatoes and played scrabble on our ipod touch. So really, aside from the loads of toxic chemicals dumped into my veins, it was kind of a nice afternoon.

I know it takes a while for the symptoms to kick in so for now the only side effects are a nasty metallic taste in my mouth and fruit punch colored pee. So, (since I took you all with me to our first treatment...) thanks for going with me. I couldn't have done it without you!

Extreme Makeover: Cancer Edition

My hair has been way too long for way too long. But since I knew it would all be falling out anyway, I wasn't really anxious to spend the money to have it cut. I thought I would just shave it the night before it was going to expel itself. Anyway it was getting almost impossible to tame, let alone look half way decent. I can hardly lift my arms to wash my hair and it was pretty tough to even pull it back into my 3-day ponytail. I finally decided about 45 min before I went to have the port placed that I couldn't take it for even one more minute. There is a Great Clips down the street and I thought, what the heck. I just need them to whack it off to my shoulders. I don't need a fantastic style, it's all coming out in a little bit anyway, right? Holy smokes. Big Mistake. So, lesson learned. After a $50 fix-it cut at a lovely Aveda salon I now feel like it will once again be sad to lose my hair. I have a cute, super short do. Ella said that she really liked it and that it looked a little like Kate's hair (holla). Which is really wonderful because before we even left the salon at great clips, she said that my hair kinda looked like Professor Snape's hair from the Harry Potter movies. Yep. It was bad.

I wish I could think of something funny for the rest of the post. Chemo starts on Friday. This coming Friday. I can't even type that without freaking out. I think even though we had talked about chemo before, I was never really committed to the idea. Like something would change before it ever became a reality. Friday seems like a huge reality. I keep waiting for some miracle to save me. When I was young and (often) unprepared for a test or something the next day, I can remember just praying the school would catch on fire or something so I wouldn't have to take it. (That sounds really bad. Wow.) Well now I'm kind of at that spot. Hoping that all chemo shipments get lost in transit. It seems so surreal. Ella's birthday party is on Thursday. The next day I have my first treatment. Fourteen days from that, I will be bald. Gross. This does not seem possible. Seriously. My life is pretty busy and even still I just can't see this as something I will be doing next week...and the 20 weeks after that. Unbelievable. Crazy.

Well, here we go. Bring it on. Do your worst, cancer. (Not really.) I can take it. (I hope.) As I'm trying to talk tough can I just say that everyone... friends, family, neighbors, well wishers...I will forever be changed because of your kindness. I am not capable of what I have been through or what still lies ahead without you.

Here we go again

Tomorrow I have the port put in. I have to say that although it is a very minor surgery, I am absolutely dreading it. Anything sticking out of me totally gives me the heebs. Anyway, it's minor. I think the procedure is 30 minutes and I go home like an hour later.

The truth is that this whole thing totally sucks. I'm sick of surgeries. I'm sick of IV's and general anesthesia. It's not the mastectomy or even the chemo (although I am seriously doubting that something that makes you so terribly ill can be beneficial to an already sick person, but that's a different post). It's all the incidentals along the way. The scars from the drains, the scars from the sentinel node biopsy, this stinkin' port. What the crap. I don't want people to poke me anymore. I don't want anymore antibiotics (did I mention that I have strep throat?). And I just finished a round from after my last surg. I don't want to have more general anesthesia. I don't even like taking Tylenol. Seriously, it's getting old.

I have to say that it is one of those 'black heart' days anyway so I probably shouldn't be blogging. Well, I check in at 11:00a, surgery at 12:00. Home by 2:00. Puke from 4:00 on.

I'm thinking that one good thing about the port is that on days like today when I am a total grouch, I could self medicate and just mainline some chocolate. That might be a fun experiment.