Beth’s services will take place on Sept 9th and Sept 10th. Both the viewing on Sept 9th from 6:00 P.M. to 8:00 P.M. and the funeral services on Sept 10th at 10 A.M. will take place at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Kirtland Ohio (8751 Kirtland Rd, Kirtland, OH 44094), which is about 30 minutes east of Cleveland. More complete details coming within the next day or so.
I thought I knew what today was going to be like. I knew the “day after” would be hard but today was so much harder than I expected. I feel a physical emptiness in my stomach. Numb. I am really struggling. I’m so heartbroken I can barely think straight. Beth and I were a team. We were such a great team. We complimented each other so perfectly. I am struggling to envision doing this without my partner in crime.
Lily also had a hard time today. We spent a lot of time crying together. She wants everything to go back to normal. She doesn’t want us to move anything, pack away any of Beth’s stuff and she wants everyone to stop acting like things are normal. I am 100% with her.
I think this will be the last blog post for a while; probably until at least after the funeral. I have not yet decided if I will continue to post on this site. I feel like I need to close this story, print it out and put it on the shelf so that the #TheBethEffect can live on. So that our kids and our grandkids can pick it up and read about how amazing their mother/grandmother was.
Then there is the other part of me that wants to continue on. To keep Beth close to us. To see how the #TheBethEffect will continue to permeate our lives as we adjust and move on.
To continue or not to continue is just one of the hundreds of concerns and worries that I have thought of today. We’ll see.
Lastly, just a little glimpse into what a complete mess I am. Today I was putting some things away and noticed a jacket that had been hanging on a hook on the back of the door leading to the garage. It had been there for a very long time. I grabbed it off the hook and there under the jacket was Beth’s purse that had been hanging in the same position for months now. I broke down sobbing knowing that the owner of that purse will never use it again. It has been the small things like this that have really gotten to me today. I think I heard Beth yell down from heaven, “Dude pull yourself together”. I’m trying babe, I’m trying.
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24 comments:
Alan Sweetie, just go with the flow. There's no need to suck it up or stuff it down inside to deal with later. If you guys hold everything inside, you'll have an even bigger thing to handle later on. Grief is a process. And it comes and goes in waves. The best thing is to just ride the wave the best you can. Eventually you will all come out on the other side of the wave and feel somewhat encouraged to begin a new normal. Things will never be the same as they once were, but they will be doable. That's what I mean when I say a "new" normal. That time is not now. I know you probably already know all this stuff, but sometimes it helps to see it written down. You don't have to "do" anything right now except to just ride the wave. You and the kids accept all the hugs and holding you can handle, because that actually helps, believe it or not. I'm sending a good hug along with this message and all my love as well. You sure don't have to write unless you feel the urge, either. It's all up to you. You aren't obligated at all. However you feel inclined is just fine. Cathy
Oh Alan how my heart breaks for you. Be easy on yourself, pause, slow down, complete halt when needed. Is been over a year since Justin passed and his clothes still hang in the closet, his toiletries are still by the sink on "his side" of the bathroom. It's only been the last month or so that I've even thought to maybe do something with those things. Leave things untouched as long as you need to. There will be many very hard days and there will be numb days. There will be days that laughter starts to creep back in and there will be times you will feel awkward or guilty feeling "normal" for a moment. It's a journey and a process, give yourself and the children all the time and patience you need. My prayers are with you all.
It is the little things isn't it. Our prayers are continually with you and your family. We grieve along side you and pray for your comfort and peace--amidst the heartbreak. All our love--the kisbys
Oh Alan you are so right Beth was your partner in crime and both Jason and I were saying the other night how we loved how close your family was and that you did everything together. I can't help but think Beth is still there in spirit encouraging you, guiding you, and I'm sure giving that little smirk and stare down when you say something funny at her expense. I have thought about you all day and my heart breaks for you and the kids. I pray that God will give you peace and comfort and help fill that emptiness. We love you guys!
Beth and #thebetheffect has been trending on my Facebook feed all day. Beth and you are an inspiration to so many from all over. You will continue to be. #thebetheffect is real and will never die. I've thought so many times today about Beth and you and the kids. I wish there were more that I could do than just offer words of encouragement and prayers. We are all here for you Alan. If writing helps you through the grieving process, write. If it too hard, don't write. You have to do what you feel is best for you and your kids. I know again these are just words. I'll give you your hug next weekend.
Again, your strength is amazing. Your children are so lucky to have you! You have done well, my friend. The #betheffect has taken over my little family. We have been talking about Beth, even though we didn't know her well. Many of my friends whom have never met Beth, have been impacted by the story you have shared. She lives on in all of us trying to do better and be better. What a blessing that is. We had the most amazing sunset tonight over the hills by our house, my kids and I ran outside to say "thank you Beth!!!"
Alan, you don't know me, but I came across your story tonight from a friend's post on Facebook. My heart goes out to you for the loss of your wife. It's so very hard. Losing a spouse changes everything. My husband died 6 years ago, so I've walked this walk too. Three of my children have died as well. I remember being surprised too by how physically painful the separation is. Even Pres Hinckley commented about how surprised he was to learn that the gospel didn't help to lessen this pain after his wife died. After one of my children died, the hospital gave us an amazing book call Tear Soup. It's a picture book appropriate for both children and adults. It tenderly covers many aspects of grief. It's my all time favorite book about grief. The hospital gave us two copies so we could share it with our friends to help them better understand what we were going through too. You might find it very helpful for you and your children. Here's a link to check it out. My heart goes out to you in your profound grief. https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0961519762/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1472794408&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=tear+soup&dpPl=1&dpID=51TOTmQ%2BdiL&ref=plSrch
So sorry for your loss. Condolences to your family.
Whenever I hear of someone's spouse dying I can't help but think about that first night after he/she passes. How hard it would be to lie down to go to sleep without that person next to you, knowing that it's the first of a lifetime of nights that he/she won't be there too. If I were you, I would expect a bedfull of kids tonight and for a while going forward. We have had you at the forefront of our minds today. Many of my friends who don't know you have told me how touched they have been by learning your story. They've sobbed and sobbed and been sympathetic. It's #thebetheffect ! --Misty Johnson
I found your blog through a friend's Facebook link just two nights ago, and I read back several months in one sitting. Thanks so much for sharing your faith, your lives, and even your struggles. I have thought of you often in the past couple of days, and it made me stop and hug my kids a little longer, kiss my husband a few extra times, and appreciate what a gift this life is.
I have one suggestion for some of Beth's things. When my dad passed away, we knew a man in their ward who was his same size, and who we knew could use his clothes. It was so much easier giving them to Brother So-and-so who we KNEW (and knew could use them), than it ever would have been to just box them up and donate them to Deseret Industries or Goodwill.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers, and I will continue to live my life with a little more kindness and love whenever I think of your sweet family!
Alan, words just don't seem to suffice. Although we all feel a sense of loss, it is nothing compared to what you and the kids are feeling. Your love story with Beth, is a rare one--you two were partners from day one...and something tells me, you will feel #thebetheffect forever, and that will guide you through so many twists and turns to come. You are an amazing man, a terrific father and knowing Beth had YOU by her side filled my heart with so much gratitude and joy. Let yourself grieve--and know you have a band of sisters here on the West Coast that are here for you whenever and however you need us. You have always been an adopted member of our girl tribe--whether you wanted to be or not! We love you and the kids with every ounce of who we are--thank you for letting the world get to know our special lady! See you next week. xoxo
I have been praying for you all day. You are simply amazing. I think of you as a warrior. You have been the protector and rock for so long. You are the strongest person I know. You have been through more that most can even imagine and you will come out of this too. The best part is you and you only got to have Beth as your partner. She is still your partner just as a spirit warrior now. She will be by you no matter what. You've got this!!
Oh Alan, my heart hurts for you and your sweet children. You two are perfect together. I loved watching you two. Randy and I are praying for you, and your family. I'm sure Beth is close, and watching over you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the feelings. We love you.
Thank you for this suggestion. I just ordered the book to be delivered :)
You and Beth lived to the fullest, laughed to the fullest, and loved to the absolute fullest. You were the best team. You still are but it looks different now and that is why my heart is broken.
I wish our prayers could take that sting of lonliness away. I wish it could take the pain and heart ache but the only way to get through it all is to feel it all.
Let yourself feel it all. You will grieve differently than your kids. You all need to grieve and feel even though it hurts. But don't worry about what others think. Do what is best for you and your family.
I wish death wasn't so final. I wish we could have visitations. I wish it didn't hurt so bad.
I am so so sorry!!! My heart is broken for you. My heart is broken for your kids. I know there will be the most joyous reunion but having patience for that day is the hardest part.
I prayed last night that our beautiful loving Savior would carry your heavy burden. I know He is there and He knows your pain. Take it one day at a time. Don't get overwhelmed by thinking of the future.
This comment has taken me 30 minutes to write because I wish I had the words to make you feel better. I don't!! I'm just so so sorry!!
We love you Alan, Ben, Ella, Caroline, and Lily!!
I am so sorry. Losing your sweetheart and partner is the most painful thing I can imagine, my heart breaks for you and the kids. You have been such a great example of enduring well to all of us. We continue to pray for your peace. - The Wings
I am so sorry. Losing your sweetheart and partner is the most painful thing I can imagine, my heart breaks for you and the kids. You have been such a great example of enduring well to all of us. We continue to pray for your peace. - The Wings
Nothing but love and prayers to your family. I can also hear Beth saying 'Dude, pull yourself together" but I feel she is also feeling the painful separation of her beloved family, as well. When the time is right, and you all are reunited, I would love to be there to witness the ridiculous amount of love and happiness that will surely be bursting forth from that reunion. Another sun could probably be born from the joy, happiness, and love that would be there.
You don't have to know anything, do anything, other than what you're doing, Alan. Beth is beaming with pride over what you've already done and who you are, I just know it. Our hearts are with you. Day by day....Bridget W.
Alan, I am so very sorry for your and your children's loss of a wonderful wife, best friend, mother, and everything that Beth has always been to you. Like Gabrielle K. said above, there are just no perfect words for me to express. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your #TheBethEffect story with us so that we may get to know Beth, you, and your children and family. We all are praying and thinking of you and sending the most loving thoughts to you all.
My heart hurts reading this ! I can't imagine how hard it is for you and your family! Sending lots of love and prayer ! We love your family !
You are so welcome. I remember how thankful I was for others who had also experienced loss and reached out to me when I was feeling so hurt and lonely. Glad I can pay it forward. A big hug.
While I certainly can't speak for all of the Solon Rec Basketball crew, I can tell you that all of the guys are just crushed, thinking about you and your family -- it's hard to truly express how sorry everyone is for your loss. I suspect that we all went home on Friday, hugged our families a little longer and told them how much we love them. Looking forward to seeing you again on the court in your own time -- hope you are able to find some comfort in the days to come.......Scott
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