The Freak Out

This is going to sound really strange, but when the doctor first told me that I had cancer, I really didn't have much of a reaction. I even hung up the phone and then finished the days reading of Beauty and the Beast with Ella before I called Alan. It's not like I didn't cry. I did. I cried when I told Alan, and I cried again when he got home. I cried another time that day thinking about how I am totally burdening my children. At first I thought that it just hadn't sunk in yet and that was why the lack of emotion. So I thought 'well, I'm pretty calm today, but that's just because we don't really have any information yet. Tomorrow (friday), when we meet with the doctor and he tells us exactly what this is and what we will have to do, then I'll probably lose it'. Nope. Nothing. Just peace, and a very matter-of-fact, let's-get-it-done, checklist sort of thinking. All in all I think we've been handling everything pretty well. So when they phoned today to give me the results of Monday's breast MRI (funny story... I should dedicate a post just for that procedure. Hillarious.) and said that they would consequently like to schedule an ultrasound I was a little confused. I asked why, when they had already done two and we're already doing the surgery, what could they have possibly found that would matter? Of course the poor receptionist had no idea. I asked if the ultrasound was for the left or right breast. She said it was for the right. This really shouldn't have been a big deal. I had already decided on the double mastectomy (anybody that knows me well, knows that I hate my boobs). Logically this result doesn't change anything (and really who knows if there is anything there anyway? They just want to look at the right side.). But after mulling it over all day long, I crawled into bed tonight and completely freaked out. Poor Alan. I bawled and bawled. I tried to explain but it just doesn't make all that much sense. Even to me and they are my feelings. I feel like I don't have control over the situation anymore. I found the lump the first time. It was by my doing that it was being checked out. As a result of my actions this diagnosis was made. See how I have everything under control? Maybe this is lesson #1 in a huge long line of lessons...

I have no control. Only God is in control. I was blessed with peace in the beginning, so why should I not feel the same peace now? It's not like this is a suprise to Him, right? As I am writing this, I keep thinking of 2nd Nephi chapter 4.

O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever.
I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that
putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his
trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

I started this post because I couldn't sleep after my big freak. I didn't quite know where it was going to take me. Luckily, I type terribly slow and have calmed down quite a bit. In any case I am glad that it has taken me here. Now I can sleep. Goodnight.