Goodbye Chemo

I hardly even know how to begin. It's over. No more chemo. No more cancer. It's hard to put into words how I feel about it. I mean, obviously I'm thrilled. But there is some other emotion too that is hard to place.

It reminds me of when I was pregnant with our first baby. I was so excited for the ultrasound to find out if it was a boy or a girl and to see that cute little bugaboo. We find out it was a boy, yay, and then the sonographer says 'ok, let's check this little boy out'. He goes on with the ultrasound, and as he charts and measures he's talking out loud saying things like, 'So his spine looks perfect. We can rule out spina bifida. His head is a nice size so we're not going to worry about Downs.' He went on and on all the while telling me how perfect my little baby nugget was. He walked out of the room and I immediately broke down and sobbed. In those four months of pregnancy before the ultrasound, it never once occurred to me that my baby would be anything but perfect. Hearing all the things that could have been wrong, even though they weren't, left me totally shaken. I cried and cried. I was suddenly so grateful that he was perfect. The rose colored glasses were gone and I was overwhelmed with gratitude.

I can't help but feel similar now. Like, now that it's all over I almost want to break down and cry. What is that? Relief? Maybe. It's more than that though. It's a relief for a worry I didn't even know existed. Gratitude? Yes and no. For sure I am grateful, but I am grateful for many things and this doesn't feel the same. Is it growth? Can you even feel growth? Maybe a combination of the three, or something else altogether. It's definitely something though. I have some seriously strong yet nameless and puzzling emotions going on.

While I try to sort out my emotions, here is the low down on what's next...

• I see the radiologist on Monday to determine whether or not we are really going to do this radiation nonsense. I say no. We'll have to see if she agrees with me.
• Thursday I meet with the plastic surgeon to schedule reconstruction. When that will take place depends on if we are doing radiation or not. No radiation means we just go right into reconstruction. (Although I'm really not a big fan of boobs, I have to say I am way excited for this. These fake, expander boobs or 'foobs' as we like to call them are really uncomfortable. They're hard as rocks and if you push on them they pop back out like a plastic water bottle. Kind of a neat trick but mostly kinda creepy.)
• I also need to have my port removed. This is supposed to be a lot easier to take out than to put in.
• I have a prescription for Tamoxafin. This is a pill that I'm supposed to take once a day, everyday for the next FIVE YEARS. This may not sound ridiculous to anyone else but me, but I can't see me being successful at this. I don't even finish my antibiotics. They only last a week.