First things, first...

I love my no boobs! Not quite new boobs because that has to wait until after treatment, but seriously no boobs are fantastic. There is some kind of a bump because of the expanders but that's about it. Nothing else that would make it an actual boob. I think even Alan will be an easy sell. With that being said... ouch! Holy crap, I feel like some took a sledge hammer to my chest. My chest muscles are super sore all the way down to my elbows. (Are chest muscles even connected to elbow muscles? Is that a song?) It's definitely not as bad as it could be, because it's like a dull deep ache. Not like a searing, stitch-ripping pain - like the kind I had when my brilliant nurse woke me up at midnight to sit me up and have me swing my legs over the side of the bed. Her words, "It's time to take your pain killers but I want to get you up and walking so you can go home in a few hours." My words, "How 'bout I take the pain killers and then I sit up in about 20 minutes when they're working?" Her. "Yeah, well I don't want you to take them and then get nauseous when you sit up." Me. "Umm, ok, but I'm not promising much." I already felt like I had been seriously run over by a truck. And over and over. She and another nurse start bringing my bed up. They got about a quarter of the way up and I start saying 'stop. stop. stop.' Any guesses on what happens? After about a seconds pause, they keep going. I muster all my strength to yell (which ends up being close to a regular speaking voice) "Lay me down. Now. Lay me down. Lay me down". I start bawling. Ouch. At this point breathing is extremely painful, so sitting up, yelling and crying is really just to much to handle. My eyes can't focus on anything but I just keep thinking, there has to be a way I can inflict pain on this woman. I thought if she would just bend down a little closer to me I just might be able to bite her on the chin. Now guess what her response is to crazy, sobbing me? Speaking to the other nurse she says, "Should we just swing her legs over real quick so we don't have to come back and do this again?" At this point I say, " I will kill her. I will. I swear I will kill her." I'm not sure why I started using the third person but it seemed to be the only thing that worked. They laid me back, with still more crying from me and she finally bring me the pain meds. In an hour, when we try again and I sit up walk myself to the bathroom and get back in bed with no problem she says, "Wow. Those pain meds really work. I had no idea it was going to hurt that bad." You do still have to go to school to become a nurse, right?

I loved coming home to my sister, friend and husband pampering me at the ring of a bell (thanks Kathryn). And this morning, four of my neighbors rang the doorbell armed with vacuums, mops and a whole lot of Pine Sol to clean my house from top to bottom as I laid in bed. No boobs, clean house and dinners delivered to my door... yeah, I got Cancer...you jealous?

Upcoming events:

Sunday - Sleep and focus on shallow breathing
Monday - Doctor appt to check my drains - oops. Did I neglect to mention I have four drains hanging off of my sides? Gross. You can google it. But in all honesty, I wouldn't recommend it for those with weak constitutions. They will be in between one and three weeks.
After that- After icky drain removal, the surgery to put the port in happens. Once port is in Chemo begins.

Post Surgery Update

So this will be quick...

I just swung by home to put the kids the bed and then I'm heading back to the hospital. Beth is doing great. The surgery lasted over 9 hours and for the most part she says she feels ok, but says that her ribs really hurt. They have her doped up on some pretty heavy stuff, so conversations with her are interesting.

Doctors said that everything went extremely well. They expect her to be released tomorrow morning at 7 AM (don't bet on that). My bet is she'll be home tomorrow evening sometime.

Beth's sister and friend Melissa are here helping out. They stayed with the kids today during the surgery and are here through the end of the week - what a huge help they have been.

Beth wanted me to get a post up and to say thank you for everyone that has reached out to us, helped us in someway or another or prayed for us. We are so blessed to have such supportive friends and family.

Beth will post as soon as she can jump on a laptop. Trust me, she will have some funny stuff to share about this day.

Alan

Double D Day

Tomorrow is the day...

So in the last few weeks, Beth has recieved a ton of cards, emails, packages, people coming over to give her support and wishing her well, etc... Well, what about me? I about to lose two of my best friends tomorrow and no one is talking about that?

Alan

Wiggity Wiggity Wack

Here's the wig dilemma. In the beginning I was totally opposed to wearing a wig. I thought I would be uncomfortable trying to pass it off as my own hair, like cancer was a big secret and I was lying to everybody by wearing the wig. However the thought of being a big bald freckle ball didn't really excite me either. I was considering just starting a really funky fresh hat collection. The problem with that is you would still be able to tell that I was totally bald which generally equates to illness and I'm just not sure I need everyone from the mailman to guy at the gas station knowing I have cancer. So here's what I've decided. I think I'll get a couple wigs. Maybe a long blond and a short brunette, maybe a reddish somethin' or other. I might even get a cool pink wig just for fun. That way I won't feel like I'm a fraud trying to pass it off as my own hair, and I won't have to worry about the guy at the gas station staring at me. (Unless I'm wearing the pink one of course, then he'll be staring but for different reasons and I can deal with that!) My hair can just be a way to accessorize. You know whatever suits my mood that day. Who knows, it could be fun. Any suggestions? I'm game.

How To Be a Better Person 101

I can't begin to describe my gratitude. I have been overwhelmed with the kindness and generosity of friends and sweet loved ones. I can't help that I am a total sap, and I hope you will all just bare with me, but even now I can't stop the tears as I write. A few days ago, Ella answered the door and said "Mom! We have packages!" The first thing I see are two huge styrofoam ice chests on my porch from Omaha Steaks. My first thought is, 'Oh shoot, the UPS guy just drove off and these aren't mine'. Then I see my name on them and my next thought is, 'ALAN IS GOING TO KILL ME'. I thought I must have unknowingly signed up for something. Then, finally, I see the message at the bottom of the label. It reads,

"Who says we still can't bring you dinner just because you live in Indiana? We love you, Beth! Love, The Manhattan Beach Ward Relief Society".

I wish I could find the words to tell you how much it means to me. The hardest part of the whole dumb cancer and so much of the hardship of losing Becci is being so far from the people we love and care about, and to be remembered in such a generous and unexpected way...well, it's just more than my fragile emotional state is capable of processing right now. I am so blessed.

This is why I can say this whole experience is a gift to our family. Cancer sucks. Cancer is not the gift. However, the lessons and experiences and the love and relationships that are strengthened through the process, those are the gifts. Like the refiners fire. But fortunately for me I feel like I am not alone in it, but instead have the strength of friends and loved ones all around me. (I told you I was a sap. I just can't help it.) It is kindness like this that teach me there is always something I can do to help. I will just do, and not say 'let me know if I can help'. I will let the wonderful examples of the incredible people in my life be my example and I will be a better person.