Please Don't Stab Me - July 10th

This morning Beth mustered up enough energy to get herself dressed and to church. She wanted to come to church and take the sacrament with her family. She almost made it to the end of the first block before we had to leave. She was feeling too weak and felt like she was going to pass out. I give her an A+ for effort.  

Beth’s body may be failing but one thing the cancer has not affected is her brain. Despite her pain and her physical challenges brought on by cancer, Beth is as sharp and witty as ever.  Her humor and comedic timing has been on another level the last few months.

The other day Beth was crying and I went to give her a hug. I kneeled down by her bed and she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me in close.  She explained that she was sad because she “didn’t want to do this by herself”.   She was referring to passing on.  She said, “You know I am not good at doing things by myself.  I wish you could come with me”.  This is absolutely true.  When we were engaged she had me come to a group interview with her as she was interviewing to become a flight attendant with Northwest Airlines (someday ask to her to tell you how I got a job offer before she did).

As I laid next to her with her arms wrapped around me, she said again, “I just want you to come with me”.  I jokingly said, “Do you have a knife in your hand right now?”  Without missing a beat, she said, “No honey, I would never stab you. I would poison you”.  I slowly pulled away from her as I was a little disturbed that she had put a little too much thought into this subject.  

One of the best parts of Beth’s cancer treatments being in Chicago is that I get to spend 6 to 7 hours of uninterrupted time with her each way.  We have had some of the best conversations during those long drives.  This last trip home was very unusual.  We talked about subjects we have never discussed before.  Like, whom I am allowed to marry and what she wants her funeral to be like.

I am so thankful that despite her body falling apart, inside that failing body is still Beth.