I hesitated to write anything tonight but I promised Beth a few months ago that I would update this blog everyday until after she passed. This afternoon Beth had a glorious reunion with her sister and her Heavenly Father. She waited until everyone was together - her husband, four kids, sister, mom, dad, uncle, aunt and two cousins. It was a peaceful passing and the spirit was so strong.
Over the 8 years this family has gotten through this trial by laughing more than we cried, finding the blessings instead of focusing on the hardships and by focusing on the eternal perspective versus a worldly one. Beth’s temporary separation from us will not change our approach to this trial or others to come.
I know that Beth will live again and that we will be reunited with her one day. I have thought a lot today about how wonderful it will be to be greeted by Beth when we are called home.
Today was hard, harder than I expected. Tomorrow will be hard. But we will get through this.
I have never loved anyone more than Beth. I have never been loved more than Beth loved me. Until we meet again my love!
This was the last kiss Beth gave me. It was 10 days ago.
Beth is very close to the end. She has slept all day, has not eaten anything and has only had about 3 oz of water as we had to crush up her pain meds, mix it with water and give it to her through a syringe. Our prayers have changed from praying for time to praying that Heavenly Father calls her home soon. Her work is done here. I was laying in bed last night watching Beth sleep and envisioned that moment when she is reunited with her Father in Heaven and He embraces her saying, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.” I then imagined Him saying, “Now let’s get to work.”
As I alluded to, Beth is still taking oral pain meds. As long as she can still swallow liquids she will not need to be on morphine. I expect Beth to pass before she ever needs morphine. What a fitting way for Beth to go out - tough till the very end.
About a week ago Beth was telling me about a dream she had. Beth has told me before that she so much wishes she could talk to me as she passes. She wishes she could describe what she sees, who is there, what it feels like. In her dream she had passed away and was told that she could describe to me only ONE thing in detail about what she sees. Beth promptly started to describe a striped dog bowl sitting in the middle of the room. She described it to me in full detail including exactly how much water was in the bowl. After realizing what she wasted her ONE and only chance to describe something she was so mad at herself. “Of all of the beautiful things there is why in the world would I describe a dog bowl of all things?”
Sunday was the last day that we were able to have any type of real conversation with Beth. Each of our children were able to spend about 15 -20 minutes with her. I am so thankful for that time they got to spend.
I am emotionally fatigued. All I will say tonight is that Beth is still fighting. Last night all I did the entire night was watch her breathe while she slept. She would take a deep breathe and then wouldn’t breathe again for about 10-12 seconds. I sat there waiting for her to gasp for air, hoping that she would. The good thing is that Beth is not in pain and that is such a blessing.
So many sweet moments tonight. Tonight was one of the first nights in 2 months where it was just the six of us together as a family. The house was quiet and reverent. So much peace.
As we were getting ready for bed, I went into Ella’s room and just hugged her. She has never really had a good cry. Tonight she sobbed in my arms. I didn’t say anything to her, I just let her cry.
As I held her, I looked over her shoulder and saw these Post-It Notes stuck to her mirror. A few months ago our friend Jonathan back home in LA started a hashtag #TheBethEffect. It’s all I could think of as I read those Post-It Notes while holding a sobbing Ella. Ella is a little mini Beth; she has for sure been hit with #TheBethEffect.
The last few days have been very hard but there also have been some incredible, touching moments that we have been able to experience as Beth prepares to return home. Some have been fleeting moments, some have been memories, some have been conversations with family. Last night I had one of those experiences. This morning, I woke up and was pondering about what happened and was reminded of a talk and true principle that was taught by one of our General Authorities.
In 2005, Elder David A Bednar, Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles gave a General Conference Talk titled, The Tender Mercies of the Lord. He describes the “tender mercies of the Lord” as “the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.” Last night I had an opportunity to experience one of the Lord’s tender mercies. After two days of not being awake or coherent for most of the day, Beth woke up a little before 2am. She nudged me and woke me up and said, “Alan, what happened today? I don’t remember anything.” She was as wide awake, alert and articulate as she has been in the last week or so. Her voice was clear and not raspy; her voice actually startled me as I had not heard that voice in weeks. Sleepily I rolled over and answered her. We talked about about what happened during the day, who had come over to visit, what the kids did. She told me about some of the dreams she has had, some funny and some more serious. We shared memories. We just talked, like we used to do every night before bed. Our conversation ended up lasting almost 2 hours. I had so longed for a chance to talk to Beth like that - uninterrupted for an extended period of time. It was a blessing, therapy for me, a tender mercy of the Lord.
Elder Bednar taught us that, “...the Lord’s tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Faithfulness, obedience, and humility invite tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord’s timing that enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings.” I am so thankful that I was able to recognize and treasure this blessing I had been given.
Lastly, Elder Bednar testified that “...that the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and that the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us.”
Very tough day today. We have made a decision that visits are no longer able to happen. Beth has been asleep for 2 days now. She is not eating or drinking and is not very responsive when we try and wake her. She has a hard time communicating or keeping a train of thought. I hope you all can understand that we need the time we have left (especially time when she is alert and awake) to be with family.
For those out of state that were trying to come visit Beth soon, please consider replacing a visit now with a trip out for the funeral services. They will be held in Kirtland at the Stake Center.
For our local friends, we can’t thank you enough for all of the time spent and love you have given Beth. Beth had three visitors today and none of them were able to talk to Beth as she never woke up. Visitors have been a source of anxiety and concern for Beth lately. The last 3 or 4 days Beth has been very anxious knowing that people were going to be coming over and that she would feel the need to be awake or converse. We have decided to take that stress off her plate and shut down all visitors.
Lastly, I just looked on Beth’s phone and she has not replied to a single text since early Wednesday (and even on Wednesday she only replied to two people). I just wanted to let you all know so that no one gets offended that she is not responding.
Today I made it a point talk to each kid one on one and let them know that time is short. Lots of tears but all of the conversations went well. I am going to let the kids decide if they want to stay home from school this week and be with their mom.
Tough conversations are much easier while eating a Swenson's Burger
I remember asking Dr T. a few months ago what to expect the last few days before Beth passes. She said, Beth will sleep more. She won’t be able to communicate much. She will not want to eat or drink and she will become very weak. She will basically fade away. I hate that I see that this is what is happening.
On Wednesday, after her panic attack because she couldn’t breathe, I told her that I am not ready for her to pass. I asked her if she was ready and she said, “Some days I think I am”.
When Lily and I were talking tonight, she said, “Dad, I don’t want you to get remarried.” I asked why not. She said, “You don’t need to, you have me.” Oh boy, did I ever lose it.
Anyone else sick and tired of Beth hogging up all of the attention on this blog??? I mean, EVERYDAY it’s all about Beth! Right?? Who’s with me? Hello? Anyone?
Ok, well despite what everyone really wants we are going to take a day off of talking about Beth and give you all some insights on what’s going on with everyone else in the family.
Alan - Still riding the high from two Championships at work (Cavs and Lake Erie Monsters). Trying to play basketball as much as I can. Fired up that I found two increible taco joints in Cleveland, on back to back days. Las Americas in Bedford (Thanks Smiths and Pattersons) and Taco Tontos in Kent (Thanks Talentinos). Only took 4 years to find good mexican food.
Last movie watched: Reverent (Thanks to the magic of VidAngel.com)
First Song that popped up on your Spotify playlist when you hit shuffle: El Camino, Amos Lee
Best thing that happened this summer: Spending time in Florida with family.
If you had a $100 what you buy/do: Buy new basketball shoes.
Ben - Started 10th grade. Slowly learning how to drive. Hasn’t figured out how to properly backup. Dying for the Cavs season to start. Loves to read and write.
Last movie watched: Reverent (Thanks to the magic of VidAngel.com)
First Song that popped up on your Spotify playlist when you hit shuffle: On Top of the World, Imagine Dragons
Best thing that happened this summer: Cavs winning a Championship and being in the parade.
If you had a $100 what you buy/do: Go to a New York Knicks game.
Ella - Started 9th grade. LOVES school. Trying to get into the College Credit Plus program so she can start knocking out College. Wants to be a doctor.
Last movie watched: Princess and the Frog
First Song that popped up on your Spotify playlist when you hit shuffle: When Will my Life Begin, Tangled Soundtrack.
Best thing that happened this summer: Went to EFY.
If you had a $100 what you buy/do: Put it in the bank.
Caroline - started 7th grade. Made the Middle School Soccer team. Wants to play basketball and Lacrosse as well. Loves her new long board. Wants to major in Sports Management in college.
Last movie watched: Soul Surfer
First Song that popped up on your Spotify playlist when you hit shuffle: Roses, The Chainsmokers
Best thing that happened this summer: Girls Camp
If you had a $100 what you buy/do: Go to Dicks Sporting Goods
Lily - started the 6th grade (Middle School). Obsessed with the Jones’ litter of puppies. “Will DIE waiting to turn 13 so she can get an Instagram account”. Plays rec soccer and loves to read.
Last movie watched: Sixth Sense
First Song that popped up on your Spotify playlist when you hit shuffle: Can’t Blame a Girl for Trying, Sabrina Carpenter
Best thing that happened this summer: Ziplining with cousins.
If you had a $100 what you buy/do: Buy a puppy
Grandma Mowrey - secretly loves being here to take care of Beth. Just saw 2 plays - Kinky Boots and Steel Magnolias and loved them.
Last movie watched: Miracles from Heaven
First Song that popped up on your Spotify playlist when you hit shuffle: WHAT IS SPOTIFY?
Best thing that happened this summer: Moved to Florida
If you had a $100 what you buy/do: Buy lottery tickets.
Poppy (Dog) - Just had ACL surgery. Has to wear the dreaded Cone of Shame. Super stressed out about Beth.
I have only had a few times during the last 8 years of Beth having cancer that I have legitimately “freaked out”. Yesterday was one of them. In yesterday’s post I talked about how Beth had one of her hardest days yet and she was starting to panic because she couldn’t breathe. I mentioned that I called her doctor in Chicago and we agreed that Beth should start home hospice care. The reason we decided to start home hospice care is because Beth is suffering. It is getting increasingly harder and harder for her to breathe. We increased her oxygen output to the highest setting - 5 liters/per hour. She is very weak and frail. She can no long walk to the bathroom. Doctor T said that there is really nothing more that can be done to help her symptoms and that it is time to stop Beth’s suffering and let hospice come in and get Beth on morphine. Morphine will help with her pain but more importantly it will relieve her sense of breathlessness. Doctor T then gave me this warning, something that I will never forget, she said, “Alan, I need to tell you that once morphine is started things will move very quick”. I asked for clarification and she said, “Expect Beth to pass quickly after she is on morphine. I am talking more like days, not weeks”.
When Dr T told me this I had to sit down. My mind started racing. Days??? How could that be? She was just playing Taboo with all of her High School friends 4 days ago. This can't be right. We are not ready for this. I knew that time was short but I never in my wildest dreams thought it was days away. Morphine will suppress her respiration and tell her brain that it is okay that she can’t catch her breath. In Dr T words, “It will allow for a peaceful passing instead of a painful suffering that she is going through now”.
I left work and came home early. On the way home I called Beth’s sister and told her to come. I was about to call Beth's parents but did not as I wanted to meet with hospice in the morning and get some more information. Christi is only 4 hours away where as Beth’s parents are 12 hours away. I wanted to make sure I had all of the information before calling and having them trying to race here.
So we met with hospice this morning. The nurse was great and was able to lessen some of our fears and concerns about morphine and give us a better understanding of exactly what their role will be. She said that hospice is not there to extend or shorten Beth’s life. They are there to make sure she is as comfortable as possible.
Beth was doing very well this morning when the hospice nurse came as she was able to get a decent night's sleep. The nurse evaluated her and talked about what care she would be receiving. At the end of the visit she said from what she saw Beth was alert, her pain was manageable and her breathing, while labored, was adequate. She said that if we can stay ahead of her pain, anxiety and breathing problems by using her current mix of medications that morphine will not be needed at this time. She did say that as the disease progresses or if Beth is no longer able to take medications orally they would move to a very low dose of morphine.
Overall, we were very impressed and happy with what hospice will bring to Beth’s care. Her time is not DAYS. Her time probably isn’t months though either. We will continue to pray for quality time, comfort and peace. We are so grateful for all of the prayers on our behalf. Everything will be okay. We know how this story ends. One of our friends left this beautiful reminder in the comment sections of yesterday’s post. It was something her sister said to her as she was going through her own battle with cancer. It rings true for all of us, “...you know, in a hundred years, this happening won't matter, what we do before during and after will. We will be together forever someday.” We love you all. #BattleTogether
**With Beth’s permission I recorded a few moments of Beth talking to the hospice nurse. In this clip she was giving the nurse an account of where she started 8 years ago and everything in between that has happened to date.
Beth playing Taboo just 4 days ago with her High School friends. It was the best medicine she has had in a long time.
It’s been a very emotional and draining day. We have decided to not go back to Chicago on Friday and stop all treatments. After 4 great years we will not be going back to Cancer Treatment Centers of America. Consulting with Beth’s doctors both parties decided that we will start home hospice care immediately. I will elaborate tomorrow on why we made this decision and what home hospice care means; most of it is good but there are some fear and concerns.
The decision to stop treatment was coupled with a friend of ours coming over tonight to help us plan funeral services. While it was a huge weight lifted off our our shoulders to know that most of the funeral services are taken care of, it added to the emotional fatigue of the day. Props to Ella for snapping this picture of Beth and I napping post funeral planning.
Beth struggled with her breathing today more than she ever has. She called me at work this morning and told me she thought she needed to go to the emergency room. She was freaking out because she couldn’t catch her breath, she was exhausted and was getting scared. My mom was able to get her to calm down and take some of her anti-anxiety meds which she had been trying to stay away from. After a while she was able to relax. The last fews days Beth’s oxygen levels have bounced between 83 and 93%. The last few days she has not gotten past 93% - which is not good.
I’ll go into a little more detail tomorrow. I gotta run though - Chip and Joanna are in way over their heads in tonight’s episode of Fixer Upper.
Not much to report today regarding Beth’s health. There was no notable change in her breathing. The Furosemide she started yesterday is supposed to help remove fluid from her body and in Beth’s case specifically the lungs. The problem is Furosemide makes you have to use the bathroom often. For Beth, getting out of bed, using her walker to get to the bathroom, sitting down and standing up in the bathroom and then returning to the bed takes everything she has. I was helping her the other day in the bathroom and she said, “This is the hardest part of my day".
Yesterday, while I was helping her in the bathroom, I had to bend down to let her put her arms around my neck while I grabbed her waist and pulled her up off the toilet to stand up. After I got her into a standing position I just held her and hugged her for a few seconds. She started to cry and said, “I am so sorry this is so hard for you”. I reassured her that there is nothing I want to be doing more than what I am doing now.
We held each other for a few more seconds and I rubbed her back. Beth has lost so much weight that I could feel every bone in her spine. I then noticed that there were some bumps on the side of her spine that ran parallel to her spine. I had not felt them before and asked her what those were. She mentioned that the cancer in her spine has caused abnormal bone growths to occur. It felt like she had two spines in certain places. She says they are very painful and makes laying down hard (that’s a tough one when she lays down 23.5 hours of each day).
As I was holding her, I thought to myself, “They could find a cure for cancer tomorrow but Beth would never be the same”. Her body has been ravaged. There is no reversing what has taken place. I then thought about the Resurrection of our Savior and what that means for each of us as we pass from this life to the next. I then remembered reading a quote that someone had shared on social media about the Resurrection. After searching around on LDS.org I found it. It was from a talk in 2000 on the Resurrection, by Dallin H. Oaks. I included a portion of his talk below that gave me great hope and comfort. Through scripture and revelation we are taught that because Jesus was Resurrected, we too will live again in a resurrected body. Furthermore, we learn that, “the spirit and the body shall be reunited again in its perfect form”.
Someday Beth will be free of all of the damage cancer has done to her body. Someday when I hold her again her body will feel so much different than it does today. What an incredible gift and promise that is.
“The possibility that a mortal who has died will be brought forth and live again in a resurrected body has awakened hope and stirred controversy through much of recorded history. Relying on clear scriptural teachings, Latter-day Saints join in affirming that Christ has “broken the bands of death” (Mosiah 16:7) and that “death is swallowed up in victory” (1 Cor. 15:54;) Because we believe the Bible and Book of Mormon descriptions of the literal Resurrection of Jesus Christ, we also readily accept the numerous scriptural teachings that a similar resurrection will come to all mortals who have ever lived upon this earth (see 1 Cor. 15:22; 2 Ne. 9:22; Hel. 14:17;Morm. 9:13; D&C 29:26; D&C 76:39, 42–44). As Jesus taught, “Because I live, ye shall live also” (John 14:19).
The literal and universal nature of the resurrection is vividly described in the Book of Mormon. The prophet Amulek taught:
“The death of Christ shall loose the bands of this temporal death, that all shall be raised from this temporal death.
“The spirit and the body shall be reunited again in its perfect form; both limb and joint shall be restored to its proper frame, even as we now are at this time; …”
-Dallin H. Oaks Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
I know that is a lot but it is what gives our family hope, that the Lord has a plan and it will all be better.
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