I Don't Like Feeling Like The Smartest One in the Room... - Aug 25th

I have only had a few times during the last 8 years of Beth having cancer that I have legitimately “freaked out”.  Yesterday was one of them. In yesterday’s post I talked about how Beth had one of her hardest days yet and she was starting to panic because she couldn’t breathe. I mentioned that I called her doctor in Chicago and we agreed that Beth should start home hospice care.  The reason we decided to start home hospice care is because Beth is suffering.  It is getting increasingly harder and harder for her to breathe.  We increased her oxygen output to the highest setting - 5 liters/per hour.  She is very weak and frail.  She can no long walk to the bathroom. Doctor T said that there is really nothing more that can be done to help her symptoms and that it is time to stop Beth’s suffering and let hospice come in and get Beth on morphine.  Morphine will help with her pain but more importantly it will relieve her sense of breathlessness.  Doctor T then gave me this warning, something that I will never forget, she said, “Alan, I need to tell you that once morphine is started things will move very quick”. I asked for clarification and she said, “Expect Beth to pass quickly after she is on morphine. I am talking more like days, not weeks”.  

When Dr T told me this I had to sit down. My mind started racing. Days??? How could that be? She was just playing Taboo with all of her High School friends 4 days ago. This can't be right. We are not ready for this. I knew that time was short but I never in my wildest dreams thought it was days away.

Morphine will suppress her respiration and tell her brain that it is okay that she can’t catch her breath. In Dr T words, “It will allow for a peaceful passing instead of a painful suffering that she is going through now”.

I left work and came home early.  On the way home I called Beth’s sister and told her to come. I was about to call Beth's parents but did not as I wanted to meet with hospice in the morning and get some more information. Christi is only 4 hours away where as Beth’s parents are 12 hours away. I wanted to make sure I had all of the information before calling and having them trying to race here.  

So we met with hospice this morning.  The nurse was great and was able to lessen some of our fears and concerns about morphine and give us a better understanding of exactly what their role will be. She said that hospice is not there to extend or shorten Beth’s life. They are there to make sure she is as comfortable as possible.

Beth was doing very well this morning when the hospice nurse came as she was able to get a decent night's sleep. The nurse evaluated her and talked about what care she would be receiving. At the end of the visit she said from what she saw Beth was alert, her pain was manageable and her breathing, while labored, was adequate. She said that if we can stay ahead of her pain, anxiety and breathing problems by using her current mix of medications that morphine will not be needed at this time. She did say that as the disease progresses or if Beth is no longer able to take medications orally they would move to a very low dose of morphine.  

Overall, we were very impressed and happy with what hospice will bring to Beth’s care.  Her time is not DAYS. Her time probably isn’t months though either. We will continue to pray for quality time, comfort and peace. We are so grateful for all of the prayers on our behalf. Everything will be okay.  We know how this story ends. One of our friends left this beautiful reminder in the comment sections of yesterday’s post. It was something her sister said to her as she was going through her own battle with cancer. It rings true for all of us, “...you know, in a hundred years, this happening won't matter, what we do before during and after will. We will be together forever someday.”

We love you all.

#BattleTogether

**With Beth’s permission I recorded a few moments of Beth talking to the hospice nurse.  In this clip she was giving the nurse an account of where she started 8 years ago and everything in between that has happened to date.

Beth playing Taboo just 4 days ago with her High School friends. It was the best medicine she has had in a long time.